Lots of deep runs as I mentioned in my last post, and nothing has changed, but I am aware of my passivity late on in tournaments. Whilst others are getting bigger stacks, my chips are dwindling away. I am aware of it at the time, but I am sticking to my game, nice and solid. If I get short I know how to play. It's all dependant on cards really, if I get the cards I might cash as I have a couple of times recently. I need to start playing more hands and start winning more uncontested pots in the latter stages to take me to the next level. I remember doing this in the past, raising suited aces, suited connectors, small pairs, various other hands from late position when there has been no action. I can remember having near double figures in final tables in the month, I was playing regularly and getting my rewards. This is a long time ago now, my game has been on a steady deterioration really for years, or maybe the players are just better?!? Either way, the cashes have just become more and more less frequent. There is nothing stopping me from making a killing really apart from my ability, I have the time to play, I've no wife, no kids, work is drying up and I have the hunger to play but there is one big thing I am missing - the desire to learn. I am one lazy bastard, I lack motivation. I am not stupid, with a bit of application I could become a competant player again, I just don't seem to have this at the moment. I haven't really had any desire to learn since university, I got so sick of exams and revision that it seems to have left a lasting impression on me and transferred to everyday life. I remember saying to my mates in year 3 after my final exam that I was never going to do anymore exams again, I'm done with learning!
Well it seems I wasn't wrong, that is years ago now and I haven't learnt anything since of note. I am stuck in a dead end job because I can't be arsed applying for anything else. I just got used to the money every week and happy with my lot, no motivation to improve myself at all. I can't stick to any fitness regime or healthy eating, I just have no motivation or dedication at all. Poker is just the same, I can't be arsed to learn and improve myself and deserve everything I get, which is fuck all lately. I mentioned a couple of posts back about reading Dan Harringtons books to improve my endgame, but I think I read one page. I make myself sick sometimes.
The problem is I get all these negative feelings at this time of night after winning fuck all again and sinking a few beers, but in the morning I forget how angry I was at my predicament the previous night. If I could just bottle up my anger at myself that I feel now and have a drink of it tomorrow morning, I might actually get the books out and have a read, and get back into good habits. I think one of the main problems is that I don't need the money, I have nothing I want to buy. I have a nice car, my own house that is mortgaged but I am managing the payments fine. I could do with a new drive and the back gardens a mess but tbh it's not like I want to grind the poker to earn money to pay for it, it can be done now or it can be done in a few years time I'm not really all that interested. If I won a few thousand dollars, I wouldn't know what to do with it. I still don't like wasting my money though and it is upsetting me that I keep depositing and not getting anywhere. I guess I would just like to win money and save it because you never know when you are going to need it!
Probably just been waffling but fuck it, here's a couple of things I've been listening to recently to leave ya with, first a live version of Birdy's new one:
And this is fucking awesome, Queen from live aid: